Monday, June 2, 2008

Getting Smart with 3 Beers

F: Meterman I grow weary of you and your supposed superior intellect.
M: Compared to you it is not supposed.
F: Ah, I actually comprehended that statement, you melancholy weasel.
M: Jumping Jimmy Christmas, what did you take.
F: A whole handful of nootropics: Piracetam, DMAE, Ginkgo biloba and Phosphatidylserine.
M: Satan's bunions! They must be working even your speech has hyperlinks.
F: Cower in fear before the wrath of my enhanced lexicon. I can perceive my cognitive ability expanding like a cosmic big bang.
M: Stephen Hawking would be so proud, how long is this going to last?
F: Based upon my genetic enzymatic metabolism potential and dose, about 2 hours.
M: That might be too long. Why don't you review these latest beers, they are a request from Painkiller.
F: I shall provide my authoritative perspective about these fine ales influenced by the erstwhile English Colonial Empire.
M: Where are you getting all these words, you got a thesaurus over there?
F: I imbibed this prolific lexicon through passive audio stimulation.
M: eh?
F: I listen to Rex Murphy on CBC while waiting at my therapist's office
M: Start the beer reviews Einstein.
F: Actually it was his wife.

Phillips Black Toque IPA

This one of three India Pale Ales that the Phillips Brewery produces. I think they all taste very similar.

Taste +1

This one is heavy on the hoppy side, although not as pronounced as the other two IPA's. There is a hoppy bitterness that coats the mouth, but it is nicely balanced by a light molasses sweetness.
There are mild flavours of bing cherries.

Aftertaste -1

The residual bitterness makes you want to go and brush your teeth

Value 0

I wouldn't go out and buy this beer again. Its just under $5 for 650ml.

Alcohol Content +1 6.5%

If you can't say anything nice... In this case I can, it is over 6%.

Ingame Enhancement -1

This brew kept me wincing at the bitterness and caused me to lose flow.

0/10 Pwnage not in a good way

This one is sure to be a cult beer favourite. If you want to try it at home; mix any hoppy IPA half and half with Herman's Dark Lager. Or better still; drink the Hermans and pour the IPA into your plant.

Phillips Original IPA and Amnesiac Double IPA

These two will be reviewed together because the tastes are so close.

Taste 0

Too hoppy to be enjoyable. The smell of this one hits you six inches before the fluid splashes over your tongue.

M: I bet you know that feeling.
F: Hey check under your feet.
M:Below me?
F: Exactly

Aftertaste 0

There is a long, lingering of bitter hoppiness that fades into apricots. This stuff coats your mouth like a dental dam.

Alcohol content Original 6.5% and Double IPA 8.5%! +1

There is no alcohol taste at all. Actually nothing else but hops is detectable.

Value 0

The double IPA is available for about $4.50 for 650ml and the Original comes $13 for a 6pack. I could think of money better spend in another aisle. Stock up on Unibroue 17 before they are all gone.

Ingame enhancement -1

I spent most of my time trying to scrape the flavour off my tongue with a razor.

0/10 Pwnage not in a good way

If you like big IPA's, then these are the beers for you. You might as well call them Original and Original SXT (Same eXact Thing). The only difference I could notice was the alcohol content.

F: Cursed foul ethanol, I feel a curtain dropping, shrouding my intellect in...uh the dark
M: Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems
F: NOOO..As a Canadian Canuck.. I eh first that such as the Iraq and the South Africa. We should buy them maps to make a better future for the children.
M: Much better.

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